I Gave Up – Basketball And My Time

I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. I’m extremely busy. I shouldn’t be here even, right now, but I guess I can take some time from my Genetics questions.

Basically, the past few weeks have been straight from IB Hell, with me ending so sick from exhaustion that on Friday I couldn’t even lift my head off my pillow without feeling a great wave of nausea. I literally couldn’t get out of bed. Missed school too. = /

And between all that mayhem that is the first semester of IB Senior year, what with the Internal Assessments, College Applications and Essays, the Extended Essay, Activities (CAS is such a prick; prickslap!), and just the average (average, for whom?) IB schoolwork load… let’s just say I am overloaded.

And Basketball season just started.

I’m going to be very honest. I love Basketball. I love playing. I’ve been playing since my eight grade, and always managed to make it to the team. Unfortunately, last year, because of the Glass Shard Incident, I wasn’t able to travel with the team. Well, I should have, because I healed in time to join quite a few practices, but the coach told me straight off when I went to see her that since I hadn’t gone to the practices, I couldn’t go. Uh. Yeah. Person with crutches at practice. Great. Such a good management of my time right? Nevermind my homework… I got nuttin better to do than hang around there uselessly.

But I can’t join Basketball this year.

It frustrates me so much, but I was close to breaking down yesterday, and ended up sobbing some time to my mother later in the day, and I know I can’t afford it. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the energy. Nevermind that this is my last year, or that my last year got messed up, or that its the one sport I really want to do. I can’t.

And I feel really bad about it myself, because in things like these, I never give up. Ever. It feels… like I’m letting myself down. My team down. My body down. I’ve been slugging it these past few years to be able to do Basketball apart from my studies. I’d have done Pilates or Yoga otherwise, and avoided a lot of injury (broken fingers, stretched tendons, strained wrists, scratches, bruises, scrapes…) like that. But I had dedicated myself to it, and if there is one thing I have ever prided myself in, it is my dedication, to the point that I would not sleep just to make a project as perfect as I could (Well, that was also partly because of procrastination, but you know my mindset).

And now I gave up.

It goes against my grain.

It’s not like Basketball is a very big part of my identity. It’s just that the dedication and determination that I put into it, is something that I have always seen as important to my identity.

I know I’m doing the right thing, but another part of me is screaming that I’m a sucky idiot and have to play, because I had promised to myself I would.

I’m going back to Genetics.

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