Lemon Water

Craving Contact

I’ve been rather off-sorts lately.

Not when I’m talking to people, to friends, when I’m chatting online. I’ve been off sorts inside “my room”, wasting time and feeling like a general bum. I’ve been feeling out of sorts because: I haven’t had a proper sleep schedule ever since the 5 am fire alarm woke me up after I went to sleep at 3 am; since I spend hours lying in bed trying to fall asleep and not managing it until 5 am; not going for my morning run at 7 am due to my messed up sleep patterns; the resulting apathy from waking up at 3 pm and not cooking properly for myself lately; because I haven’t been productive; I get headaches; I’m afraid this means I have Lyme disease; because I am alone.

But what has taken me some time to realize, is that I am frustrated mostly because I am alone. Since a great number of my friends, in particular, the ones I’ve been living with, have left after finishing their internship, I’ve been living in a three-person suite in a room that isn’t really mine, not even by our temporary college standards, and that as such I have not claimed it. I am sick of not having what really is my own space. So, now that I’m a week away from moving to my real double in my real dorm, I don’t mind that I will have less space and that I will lose some privacy by having a roommate, but I do mind terribly being stuck in this horribly empty place. I perk up when my friend Jerry comes over and we watch Dr. Who, but otherwise… I’ve gone from spending my time with over ten different people and at least five of them at once to wasting time in a dingy room as I try to sleep and then dragging myself out to trees and shade and wishing I wasn’t so tired from doing nothing.

And this realization that I need people is still shocking. I was a loner kid, I was shut in my books and my drawings and my internet, and I would close hte door to my room so that I wouldn’t have to be with my family at times because goddamit I needed my alone time, didn’t they understand that?

But being here and sleeping in like four different people’s rooms in college, and sleeping over constantly and sharing my space so much has made me much more dependent on the amazing people I find. If I needed alone time, I could find it easily, but now that I can’t have my friends by just knocking downstairs is putting me off center, and maybe that is why I’m not sleeping well and not running when I know those two make me feel healthy and happy.

I want my room, I want to decorate it so that it distinctly says “Camila’s space”, and then invite my friends over so that we can all share it over blueberries. And then, maybe, if I need space, simply go off fr a walk into the Shakespeare garden like I used to.


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