Lemon Water


Category Archive

The following is a list of all entries from the sad category.

Anxiety Overload

I haven’t really told people, but I’m currently having some family problems – or well, the family is having problems. Yesterday, Sunday, was pretty much the huge gunk mess up, but I really don’t want to talk about it.

Today, after fighting with my brother at around 5 pm, I began to feel pain in my chest, where my heart is. At first I tried to ignore it, but after a while I started getting worried and googled the symptoms for a heart attack. I KNOW I am too young to have a heart attack, but if you feel pain right hwere your heart is… well, you get scared. I got scared enough to call my mom while I was walking my dog, and she sent me back home, where I waited for my dad.

He called a while before, as sweet as he can be, the moments when I love him most, but since before we had been so off that just added more pain. When he arrived and started calming me down, I did start feeling better, and told him that it had started hurting after my fight with my brother (when he hit me in the head).  This led to him calling my brother back and telling him to never touch me again… which made it hurt more. Based on that, he reached the conclusion that I had been having an anxiety attack based on all the drama that we’d just been going through. He calmed me down, gave me yummy stuff to eat, and I started talking to him about webcomics.

I’m better, my chest stopped hurting, although the left side of my neck really, really hurts.

So I’m going to go distract myself. Draw. Do something. Calm down.

Yeah.

The pain will go away.


I Gave Up – Basketball And My Time

I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. I’m extremely busy. I shouldn’t be here even, right now, but I guess I can take some time from my Genetics questions.

Basically, the past few weeks have been straight from IB Hell, with me ending so sick from exhaustion that on Friday I couldn’t even lift my head off my pillow without feeling a great wave of nausea. I literally couldn’t get out of bed. Missed school too. = /

And between all that mayhem that is the first semester of IB Senior year, what with the Internal Assessments, College Applications and Essays, the Extended Essay, Activities (CAS is such a prick; prickslap!), and just the average (average, for whom?) IB schoolwork load… let’s just say I am overloaded.

And Basketball season just started.

I’m going to be very honest. I love Basketball. I love playing. I’ve been playing since my eight grade, and always managed to make it to the team. Unfortunately, last year, because of the Glass Shard Incident, I wasn’t able to travel with the team. Well, I should have, because I healed in time to join quite a few practices, but the coach told me straight off when I went to see her that since I hadn’t gone to the practices, I couldn’t go. Uh. Yeah. Person with crutches at practice. Great. Such a good management of my time right? Nevermind my homework… I got nuttin better to do than hang around there uselessly.

But I can’t join Basketball this year.

It frustrates me so much, but I was close to breaking down yesterday, and ended up sobbing some time to my mother later in the day, and I know I can’t afford it. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the energy. Nevermind that this is my last year, or that my last year got messed up, or that its the one sport I really want to do. I can’t.

And I feel really bad about it myself, because in things like these, I never give up. Ever. It feels… like I’m letting myself down. My team down. My body down. I’ve been slugging it these past few years to be able to do Basketball apart from my studies. I’d have done Pilates or Yoga otherwise, and avoided a lot of injury (broken fingers, stretched tendons, strained wrists, scratches, bruises, scrapes…) like that. But I had dedicated myself to it, and if there is one thing I have ever prided myself in, it is my dedication, to the point that I would not sleep just to make a project as perfect as I could (Well, that was also partly because of procrastination, but you know my mindset).

And now I gave up.

It goes against my grain.

It’s not like Basketball is a very big part of my identity. It’s just that the dedication and determination that I put into it, is something that I have always seen as important to my identity.

I know I’m doing the right thing, but another part of me is screaming that I’m a sucky idiot and have to play, because I had promised to myself I would.

I’m going back to Genetics.


The Glass Shards

Four, to be exact.

Hmm, the day after my post, my dad took me to the clinic at nine in the morning, where my doctor’s secretary scheduled an Ecography and sent me there. You know those screens that show you a baby while it is still inside? Same thing. Only in my foot. The technician was this fat man, who was actually rather nice as my dad and he talked. Carefully pressing and moving at the base of my foot, at the scar, he found what seemed at first one big splinter in the middle of an empty space in my flesh. Uh, that’s the wound it caused. Joy. Closer inspection showed that it was actually two pieces, one big one, one smaller one, together in that hollow.

The worst part? The longest piece is about one centimeter long, and the two pieces are embedded in deep, about 2 or 3 centimeters in, in my tendon area of my foot. In the Ecograph, when I flexed my toes, I could see lines in the screen that pulled tight and moved. My tendons.

Yes, overusing the bold, but honestly, I’m slightly scared.

The other two pieces are mercifully really small, and shallow-about three millimeters in. The doctor believes my body will end up releasing it on its own- slowly the pieces will move and be pushed out in a callus, until it reaches my sole. Then, I’ll probably see something shiny and scratch it off. At least that is what he said.

The funny thing is that one piece travelled, “camino” really far away from the original wound. Imagine your foot, the sole. Now, pretty much in the center, place a small thin line. Now move your finger towards your small toe, the fifth one, and stop before you actually reach it. That’s where it traveled. Isn’t that a hoot?

So, the doctor said he has to remove the big one and the small one next to it, the one in my tendon area. My dad arranged an operation on Tuesday after school. Only, I then had to get pre-operation tests for my operation profile. Which ended up being today at nine, again, in the clinic.

So, today my mom takes me, without eating breakfast because it was required, and in the lab, while my mom left to make some inquiries about a vaccine my brother needs, the nurse calls me, and takes my blood out. I don’t look whenever they prick through the skin, but I forced myself to look after, as they take the blood out. Yes, it was surreal. And I actually felt my arm… really, my veins flattening. Perhaps it was just a fancy. The blood will go to get tested for my glucose levels, whether I have HIV, Hepatitis B, my “creatinina” levels, and some other tests that I do not remember.

I was very surprised, however, when the nurse told me she would make a small cut in my ear to see how long it would take for it to stop bleeding. I expected a small nick. It felt much more painful than I expected, (though really, it didn’t hurt much…) and waiting for it to stop bleeding was annoying. I have a red line in my ear now, and I feel like cattle that has been branded with an ear tag.

By the time I had finished, it was nearly twelve, and my mom took me to her office, where she called a cab. Since it would take about an hour for the cab to arrive and take me to school, she decided it wasn’t worth it and sent me home. There, I curled up and played WoW and had fun.

I’m still scared of an operation, small as it is, though.

[Edit]

Behold, the archives of the terrible Glass Shard Incident!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7


Scheduling Fascism and Friends Part Too Often

My parents have become fascists. (Well, not really)

They have scheduled my time! Like Steph. Only not so extreme. But the last few days, they say me down, and forced me to work. So far, I’ve made little progress on my Extended Essay, as due to a massive bookmark wipe someday, I lost all the links I had. So I have a pretty big chunk of them back now. Finished all the Karen Healy ones at least. Now… to do Ragnell, Willow, Kalinara, Kali and all the other bloggers I follow XD

Though I enjoyed myself on Friday. Insun, Marite and I went out to Patrick’s First Gig! (Yes, with Capital Letters.) Unfortunately, although the music was good (to my newb/n00b ears), there weren’t a lot of people at the time, as his was the opening act, and electronica (or something among those lines…) is just not as popular as the… other music. After he finished playing, Mari, Insun and I left for this a different place, more like a clubish atmosphere than a party, with AMAZING music. I danced. And danced. Who needs alcohol or smoking? Not me! I enjoyed myself, and was glad to see Insun enjoy herself without those two. It’s weird, I don’t particularly like drinking- we act enough as fools. But I’ll discuss the ethics of drinking later.

The weird thing was when the 30 year old dude hit on me. I need to get better at saying no. Even if I feel mean. No, nothing happened. Just talked. Don’t worry.

Hmmmgggggggggh… Halim is leaving tommorow… I won’t have the gift in time, and I won’t see him again before he goes! NOOOOOOOO!!! Dammit. I’ll scan it when I finish and send it to him.

I hate it when friends leave. Halim was also one of my first friends here… those who welcomed me to Peru and made the transition so much easier. I’m going to miss you Hali- I have to share this blog with you. We need to keep in touch! I hate losing track- I’ve done that quite a bit with Rodrigo, of the same group, and quite a few others from different times and places.

I love you guys.