IB Rules My Life – A Compilation Of Quotes [Finished!]

I am procrastinating right now, and I can’t concentrate on my World Lit 2 paper, which will suck anyways, so from IB Quotes, we have a bunch of quotes!

Let’s start by…

“Non IB Student: And so I found this quote–
IB Class: QUOTATION!
Non IB Student: *backs away*”

CAS

“Coordinator: Hey Guys! There’s a Blood Donation session tomorrow, I hope you can make it!
Student: Do we get CAS hours??”

“IB Coordinator: After you finish your Extended Essay, you will have put about 40 hours of work into it.
Student: Do we get CAS hours?”

“IB Coordinator: If you really want to you can read the Harry Potter books as a Creativity for CAS.
Student: Can that count as Service?”

“I plucked my mom’s eyebrows. Now can I have the CAS hours?”

“Does being mugged count for CAS? What?! I’m helping the guy, aren’t I?”
-The British School of Rio de Janeiro

“Female student to CAS Coordinator: What does pregnancy count for?
Male student: Can I count it as well?”

TOK

“Writing a TOK essay is like being constipated. It hurts like hell and you produce crap very slowly.”

“ToK in a Nutshell:
The Question: How do we know?
The Answer: We don’t.”

“Teacher: So what’s Newton‘s Universal Law of Gravitiation?
Student 1: What goes up must come down? (as a joke)
[Teacher looks a Student 1 like she’s stupid]
Student 2: Aaah, but what is up and what is down?
Student 1: Shut up, you’ve been doing too much TOK.”

“During a TOK discussion
Student 1: I believe that opinions don’t matter.
Student 2: So what you just said doesn’t matter?”

One day during ToK, we were answering our prescribed titles in groups.
“ToK Teacher: I’ve been looking at some of your answers that you’ve come up with, and you’re all just writing down psychobabble! You have to UNDERSTAND your topic!
Student (behind teacher’s back): Well, you’re getting only psychobabble answers because that’s what this entire course is based on: PSYCHOBABBLE.”

“ToK:
Student 1: Relativity makes no sense.
Student 2: In comparison to what?”

“Teacher: I feel like a sewage worker every time I grade your papers: No matter what I do, I have to wade through all of your crap.
Student: What do you expect, it’s TOK!!!”

“During a year 11 TOK class:
“Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.”
Bertrand Russell (1917)
Student: Oh great, another pointless part of TOK.”

Teacher Hijinks

“Physics teacher: Hey you guys do you want to hear another joke?
Class: Sure!
Physics teacher: I just marked your quizzes.”

“History teacher wrote a confusing Russian name to the board that contained lot of xywz-letters.
Student: What kind of name is that?
Teacher: I didn’t know how to spell it, so I made it up.
Class: *erases the name away from the notebook*
Teacher: Do you believe everything I write on the blackboard?
Class: YES.
Teacher: Seriously?”

“History teacher: “By the end of IB, you’re going to know Stalin better than your own grandfather!””

“Student (smacking his fist against the desk during a physics test): Damn it!
Teacher: Next time, use your head.”

“Chemistry Teacher: You guys will start the group 4 project next week. You will learn how to socialize with others and have fun.”

“*class is talking*
Mr. Daly: *brings out grade reports and shakes them around*
Class: *stares silently at the grade reports*
Mr. Daly: Grade reports are like crack for IB students.”

“Chem HL Teacher: Any demonstration where the teacher may die is a good one.”

“TOK Teacher: Every year we should sacrifice a virgin to the great god Xerox… Then perhaps the copy machine won’t break down.”

“ToK teacher: (Insert here a long, poetic and prestigious definition about what Mathematics is). I think however that math… is a broccoli.”

“Chem Teacher: Did you guys hear about the bear that fell in the water and dissolved?
Class: No…
Chem Teacher: They say he was polar!”

“TOK teacher: I remember I once met a woman who had a flashback from a bad trip. She got into the fetal position and thought she was a turnip.”

“*After 3 hours of explaining the Rate Determining Step in HL Chemistry…*
Student: I still don’t get it!
Chemistry Teacher: Let me put it into simpler terms. If I were to fill this room with cyanide gas, or start hosing you guys down with sulfuric acid, or drop some of the potassium sample into that sink over there, the rate determining step in you guys getting out of this room would be dependent upon the size of the exit or how generous I’m feeling right now.
Student: *gulp*”

“Chemistry teacher: You can’t break polyatomic ions! Unless you’re God… but you’re NOT GOD!!”

“About Mrs. Birsan’s notes: “Copy the notes, worship the notes… be the notes!””

“[Some question about chemistry eliciting some answer about Chemistry.]
Mark: Can we quote you on that sir?
Mr Dixon: No you can’t, I know nothing, it’s official.
Mark: Can we quote you on that sir?”

“Student: What is a patroonship?
Teacher: A patroonship is a ship that sails around the island of Patroon.
If you actually wrote that down, leave the class, now.”

“Democracy is like sausage; it’s one of those things we all love but don’t want to see being made.”
-IB History teacher

“*In the middle of a lesson*
Chemistry Teacher: Does anybody have a potato?
Class: Huh?
Chemistry Teacher: … *continues lesson*”

“IB English Teacher: After reading your World Lit papers, I wanted to go spend my night drinking and drown my sorrows in alcohol.
*Class roars with laughter*
IB English Teacher: What? I AM over 21, you know.
Student: The legal drinking age is 19.
IB English Teacher: Well, I’m over 19 too.”

“Class: What do you mean by political influence?
Mr. Belbin: I mean, that if George Bush decides to use this technology to monitor his citizens then it wouldn’t be ethical.
Class: hahahahahaha!!!
Mr. Belbin: What are you guys all laughing at?”

“ToK teacher: In year three you have to be like wine bottles – mature.”

“Physics teacher: One I was on the plane and I saw some lightning between clouds in the air. It was like fireworks, so pretty!
Class: So didn’t you feel uncomfortable at all that you were in a metal thing in the air in a thunderstorm?
Physics teacher: Why would I be? A plane is in a cage, it is an insulator… (insert explanation about physics)… so the only risk is really rare, and is that the plane could catch on fire, but that’s not going to happen.
Class: What about the people who DIDN’T know this on the plane…?
Physics teacher: How could they not have liked the lightning show?”

“(In IB HL Chemistry class)
Student 1: When is our test for this unit?
Chem Teacher: Thursday.
Student 2: But we have an APUSH test that day!
Student 3: And an English quiz!
Chem Teacher: Sorry, guys, I can’t change it.
(Students groan and generally complain)
Chem Teacher: You guys are going to be really upset in a minute.
Student 1: Why?
Chem Teacher: I have your grade printouts.”

“TOK Teacher: Song lyrics today don’t understand the SUBJUNCTIVE tense… I mean, “homies”, what IS that?!”

“Weimar was basically a World War One hangover.”
-IB History teacher (Our Fearless Leader)

*During a conversation on metaphisical statements in TOK*
“TOK Teacher: I can’t help but think that God is rather indifferent as to the amount of cabbage that you eat.”

“TOK Teacher (about “general truths”): Well, quartz is a metal, everyone agrees with that…”

“In an IB Physics class:
Student: So what causes light to refract?
Teacher: Imagine light is a tractor driving first on pavement and then on some other denser medium… say, cheese grits…”

Quote on an IB teacher’s webpage:
“All’s fair in love and finals.”

“Biology Class:
Teacher: So when are we going to have our next exam review session?
Class: Umm. Friday after school?
Teacher. Okay then Friday it is. Wait. Sorry guys I can’t make it. I have a party.”

“Math Teacher: Your answers are like God, they have no beginning and no ending.”

“IB Physics Teacher, giving out midterm grades: Isn’t this exciting?! It’s like American Idol!
Student (sarcastically): Yes, it’s exactly like that.”

“Jordan: Wait, tea comes from a plant?
Mr. Bropst: …And there goes the rare, indigenous tea animal.”

IB Bio teacher joke:
“I wish I were Helicase so I could unzip you jeans!”

“TOK, Philosophy, and Western Culture Teacher: DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY!!!!”

“Teacher: No, we won’t be getting into our math groups today. Carter’s talking out of turn.
Carter: Life is all about second chances.
Teacher: Not in IB it’s not.”

“Lachlan: Have you noticed IB students type/write down everything you say?
Music Teacher: Yes, it scares me.”

“IB Maths student: Why did we do that?
IB Maths teacher: Because the question asked.”

“Physics Teacher: SO, if we cut the wire that holds up the elevator you would be in a weightless situation… But then it would crash… So you really wouldn’t have much time to enjoy your weightlessness.”

“TOK teacher: “The most disruptive member of society is the male member.””

“Student: …but we already have three tests scheduled for the next two days…
Teacher (mockingly, sarcastically and evilly): So if you add the one I’m giving you that makes four… Right? Your math teacher will be so proud to hear you do all of these advanced calculations.
Student (in a somewhat whiny tone which is completely justified): Haha… Very funny… I haven’t spent time with my friends or family or girlfriend in almost a month.
Teacher: And you’re surprised? Didn’t you read the fine print when you agreed to be in IB? It says: “In IB there are no significant others, only significant figures!””

“Chemistry teacher: Here’s the percent error formula: you minus God over God times a hundred.
Student: Wait, what?
Chemistry teacher: You heard me.”

“Mrs. Gleaton: “‘IB 20th century topics’ might as well be called ‘Teaching smart kids exactly how every brutal, totalitarian regime was started by one person and how with the right timing and planning anyone in this class also could.'””

“Sitting in chemistry:
KJ (teacher): When naming polar covalent…
(Intercom comes on and tells school to get into tornado position)
KJ: Okay, everyone hold onto your bookbags and there’s no way the tornado can lift you off the ground.”

“Physics Teacher: Now imagine a pink fluffy cloud at the back of the room. Now imagine that there are ping-pong balls being thrown into the cloud. That’s how particles work!
Class: WTF???”

“TOK Teacher/ English teacher: You guys should have written it down.”

“Biology Teacher: Why have a life when you can read Biology? You’re in IB, heaven’s sake.”

(IB History teacher who taught IB kids as freshmen is teaching them again as seniors )
“Teacher: Oliver, I thought you’d be out of this program by now.
Oliver: Why? I’m smart.
Teacher: Exactly. I thought you’d be smart enough to get out of this program while you had the chance. “

“Math teacher joke:
Terrorists stop a bus full of passengers and succeed in getting all the passengers off the bus. When they come to the back of the bus, there is one passenger still there. The terrorists say “if you don’t get off the bus NOW, we will differentiate and integrate you”. The small passenger replies “I’m e^x”.”

“Agitated French Teacher: I’m gonna hang you if you don’t conjugate this verb.”

“*A student outside is screaming*
The class all looks toward the window
Ms. Zarcone looks up from her desk to say “Don’t worry, it’s an IB student”
*The class laughs*”

“An economics lesson is like a current account… You get little or no interest.”
– Economics teacher

“It’s like a nebulous ring of nefarious warlords.”
-IB Coordinator, on the fabled IB bureaucrats

“Art teacher: Humans made time, therefore we control time!
Rest of art class, still freaking out about an art project due the next day despite the help.”

“History teacher: Rasputin was poisoned, shot and then drowned. He was a hard man to kill.”

“IB English teacher: “All of your titles are cute, catchy…you can dance to it. But IB is the enemy of all things fun.””

“IB English teacher: “You are the bricks on the yellow brick road on which teachers love to walk on.””

“German science teacher:
Teacher: No gravity allowed on your books.
Student: No gravity, how do we stop that working?
Teacher: No graffiti.”

“In TOK class trying to define ‘good’ and giving examples of when we use it
Student 1: ‘Good’ is what you use to describe something that is not bad.
Student 2: But that definition doesn’t apply to all uses of it.
Student 1: But for example out of a ‘good boy’ and a ‘bad boy’ then of course the good is the one you would want.
TOK teacher: Uh… really??”

“IB Coordinator: MSN is the demise of my IB Program.”

“Calculus teacher, working out a difficult problem: Okay, I don’t know where I’m going, but this is where I’m ending.
Student: Deep.”

AP/IB Calculus teacher, in an attempt to “engage us”:
“WHERE DID PI GO? We’ve been *doing* pi all morning! But this isn’t a disc, this isn’t a circle. It’s a triangle–YA KNOW?”

Mrs. Mahone, cherfully, in response to a complaining class:
“Welcome to IB!!!”

“A pre-IB freshman econ class…
Teacher: SEX!
Students: *jump up*”

“Welcome to IB History, you are all in deep shiiit”
-IB History Teacher

“Chemistry HL Teacher: The mole is your God.”

“TOK teacher is a man of about 60….
Student: I think the ladder of love signifies an advancement through years of love. Like how it becomes richer and more powerful through time.
Teacher: Well, I’m ashamed to say that I think people can go up and down the ladder. I still enjoy sex with my wife. Very much so. I like being at the bottom of the ladder.”

“BLECH. ACK. ARGH. DUH. These are the markbands for your TOK paper.”
– TOK Teacher

“Biology teacher on XYY syndrome:
I’m big, I’m strong, I’m dumb.”

Silly Stuff

“Teacher is explaining differentiation to the class.
SL Maths Student: Are we ever going to use this in real life?
Teacher: Of course.
SL Maths Student: When?
Teacher: In the exam.”

“IB puts the “pro” in procrastination.”

“Person 1: Damn you! You’re so not art.
Person 2: Is that supposed to be an insult?
Person 1: Of course. You’re not art, which means you’re not beautiful, you can’t be interpreted, and you weren’t created by intent.”

“(Non-IB Kids are passing by the window of the Chemistry lab while they go off to a pep rally. The IB kids inside are taking a quiz and are therefore not going to the pep rally).
Non-IB Kid: Haha, IB kids!!
Chemistry teacher: They’ll be your boss one day!”

“Andy: To be or not to be? That is the question. If you choose to be, don’t choose IB.”

“IB stands for internationally bitch-slapped.”

“IB, therefore I BS.”

“IB kid: I hate how the other 80% of the school has no idea what it’s doing.
Non IB kid: Yeah, I’m glad I’m in the intelligent 10%.”

“Question on an HL Bio Exam:
A tall, blue blorg mates with a short, white blorg and produces all tall, blue blorgs. This is a result of:
a) both parents having heterzygous traits;
b) both parents having homozygous traits;
c) magic.”

“Student 1: What’s 2 times 9 again?
Student 2: Let me just get my GDC (Graphic Display Calculator).
Student 1: Wow … we’ve actually forgotten how to think”

“IB Freshman: You know, I’m planning of getting 45 points.
IB Senior: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
IB Freshman: What’s so funny?”

“English Teacher: Hey guys I have alcohol –
*class turns in interest*
English Teacher: – and hand sanitizer for you to wash your hands.
*class turns away in disappointment*”

“Lucas: You have fifteen seconds. Using standard math notation, English words, or both, name a single whole number – not an infinity – on a blank index card. Be precise enough for any reasonable modern mathematician to determine exactly what number you’ve named, by consulting only your card and, if necessary, the published literature.
[39-point diploma recipient]: What’s a whole number?”

“I had a life full of joy, happiness, love, parties, friends, food, sleep…
… and then I woke up and finished HL paper 2.”

“Student: How do you change the page numbers in word?
Teacher: You go in, do something and click.”

“(While looking at a map of Europe in a History lesson…)
IB Diploma Student: Where’s China?”

“Javier: She’s like, ADD in a can.
Steph: I’m concentrated ADD!
Javier, Mike: …
Steph: Wait…”

“Eighth grader shadowing an IB student: I think I’m going to take IB when I come here.
IB Student: Don’t do it! Save yourself! Save yourself while you still can!!!”

“AP World History Teacher: So, I tried having a discussion about China and the Olympics with second period, but I quickly learned they had no opinions. I hope you guys do a better job.
Student: Opinions? We only know facts!”

“Only thing on the board during an IB final: “Breathe”
IB Physics student: Yeah right! Now where are the mechanics equations!?!”

IB students don’t procrastinate … we just have an acute sense for prioritization.”

(At our school, the IB kids get a pizza lunch once a month).
Freshman IB History Teacher before our first pizza lunch: You’ll quickly learn that these lunches are the only good thing about IB.
Alex: So what, we sell our souls for pizza?

Student 1: I hate IB Physics!!!
Student 2: Don’t worry, at the end of the year we’ll have a bon fire and burn the Tsokos book and our binder
Student 1: How will that help my grade?
Student 2: It won’t… but it will make you feel better

In Music…
“Student: This song is SUFFERING and PAIN and DARKNESS and DEATH!!!!!
*begins playing Mozart’s Rondo a la Turk*”

“How many IB kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes 12 other IB kids to stand around him while he does it, telling him what he’s doing wrong and how to do it right.”
-Madeline

The best response to impossible Chem HL questions:
“Here’s another thing you taught me, how to brew up TNT. “

“(After HL Math teacher arrived at class, late)
Student: Thank the Lord you’re here, sir. We just couldn’t function without you.”

“American Gov’t Teacher: Now, I know we’re in Paris and don’t get American news, but you’ve got to keep updated on the election. Just check up on the CNN website or something each day.
Student 1: Oh my god… there’s an election going on at home?
Student 2: Hmm interesting analysis, but you might need some sources for that. On another note, did you know the IBO made an update to the Syllabus for Mathematics SL? It’s on page 34 in the syllabus, and page 235 in the Vade Mecum. Section D14 I believe.”

“The secrets to passing your Math HL exam:
1) When in doubt, equate to zero and solve for x. If you’re feeling adventurous, make it an inequality.
2) If a matrix is given, find the determinant, and continue with step 1.”

“Eighth-grader’s mom: You know, you should think about doing IB next year.
Eighth-grader: I’m too smart to do IB.”

“Guy runs down the hallway singing at the top of his voice during IA deadline period: “Life is hard enough, for us.”
His father, the IB coordinator, passes him: Life? You don’t have a life. You’re in IB2! Be quiet and no running in the hallways.”

“Math class, talking about provincials:
Teacher: …and when you’re filling the numbers in on the bubble sheet make sure it’s really clear what number it is, cause the computer can get it confused… don’t make your fives look like eights.
Student 1: What about European sevens?
Teacher: Like with a dash through them? That’s fine.
Student 2: What about asian fives?
Teacher: …What the HELL is an ASIAN FIVE!?!
Class: ahahahhahhahahahhahahah lolololol”

“Life is like a box of HL IB Chemistry. You never know what you’re gonna get, but it’ll probably suck.”

“Proof that IB has distorted your perception of the world:
History teacher draws squiggles on the whiteboard:
“Now what is that?”
Class: “Schleswig-Holstein!”
*Teacher adds a squiggle*
“And that?”
Class: “Jutland!””

“Mr. Blackmon (TOK teacher): What is this desk made of?
Thelma: Cells!
*Numerous sighs and facepalms resonate throughout the room*”

“IB Spanish Student 1: How do I address the person in the start of my letter?
IB Spanish Student 2: Cuidado amiga
IB Spanish Student 1: “Caution” friend?
IB Spanish Student 2: Wait, that’s on the wet floor signs… oops.
(The word they were looking for was “querido”)”

“Iwan: Oh, I thought it was a typo
Teacher: I’m not typing on the board
Iwan: Oh, I meant a hando… oh…”

“Blackmon: So see, it’s a theory that dinosaurs were killed by an asteroid.
*Writes “Dinosaurs killed an asteroid” on board*
Mike: DINOSAUR NAZIS IN SPAAAAAAAAACE!”

“Non-IB student: So because I’m not in IB I won’t be anything?
IB Student: Sure you will…you’d be my secretary.”

“What did pi say to i?
Get real.
What did i reply?
Get rational.”

“After months of envying the IB Enviromental Systems Kid’s easy course work, us IB Physics kids finally had something to hold over them:
Rocket Launching!!!!!”

“How to bullshit an English Commentary:
1.) Find 2 themes that always work in every story. Reality VS Perception is a good one. Discovering Identity usually works for everything. If you give up, try sexual connotations.
2.) Find images that support it. The chair represents the isolation, which supports discovering identity. The book is an illusion because we can’t see what’s inside it, representing how life is covered up in mysteries. Include more as necessary.
3.) Find sounds, structure, or do anything. The indent in the paragraphs represent separation, supporting identity discovery as the narrator attempts to separate himself from the norm. The use of commas represent the pauses endured by the narrator, giving time to think, which represents reality of situations VS perceiving them. The “s” sound is a serpent. Say whatever you want with it.
4.) Anything that doesn’t fit with the above is “contrast”. Contrast is always used to support ideas, which are all the bullshit themes you came up with.
5.) Present everything you found in order. See, it’s just like a physics lab!”

“IB Student 1: I’m so getting a higher grade than in Physics this year. I’ll duel to death if I have to.
IB Student 2: Ooh, I’ll be Andrew Jackson, and you be Aaron Burr.
IB Student 1: No way, I want to be Andrew Jackson!
Non-IB Student: I will never understand you guys…”

“IB SL Business Teacher: So how does the money flow out of a business other than purchases of sales, loans, rent or advertising?
IB Student: Bribes.
*class laughs*
IB SL Business Teacher, shuffles paper and discreetly looks at her notes: I don’t think so.”

“IB is like being ruled by fascism:
Everyone talks about how much it has ruined their life but nobody actually does anything about it.”

“”Is this side 1?”
“Of course it is, that’s a f*cking unit circle.””

“(While talking about IB English Y1 books)
Student 1: These are all so depressing! All of them end in death!
Student 2: Seems appropriate, it’s just like IB!”

“Non IB Student: Hey dude what’s up?
IB Student: The positive y-axis!”

“IB Coordinator: So… You’ll all be welcoming and inviting to all of the potential year ones, right? Tell them all about the good things in IB.
Year 2 Students: Um… sure. *exchange glances* *Coordinator leaves* Let’s tell them to run far, far away and never look back.”

“IB Graffiti: y=mx+biatch!”

“IB math, you only get it after the test!”

“In an IB English A1 HL class:
Student: So, the poet means to say that God is dead… and gay!”

“IB Student: I feel like it’s an eternal battle between me and our IB Coordinator. It’s like she’s Andrew Jackson…and I’m Aaron Burr.”

“Chemistry Teacher: (writes an equation on the board including around 2 tons of carbon)
Student 1: (Reads equation) That’s a whole lot of carbon!!
Student 2: You’re a whole lot of carbon!!”

“Preceding a presentation in a geography class…
Josh: Simon says, put your hand on your nose.
(Students all put their hands on their noses.)
Josh: Why’d you do that? I’m not Simon..
5 minutes later… ((presentation has started))
Colin: Wait a minute… are you the representative of Simon?”

“IB Student: It took me 12 weeks to do my Research Paper for Inquiry Skills!
Non IB Student: How come?
IB Student: Well, it took 6 weeks for my Thesis Statement. 5 weeks and a half for my outline. Then half a week to write it! All the while doing research!
Non IB Student: What was the paper on?
IB Student: I have no idea….”

“On SL Maths about matrices
Student 1: Do you get it?
Student 2: No…
Student 1: See the identity matrix is like a bunny on a field and then an evil inverse alien (inverse matrix) lands on the field and scares the bunny away. Do you now get it?
Student 2: Yeah… Thanks for explaining. :)”

“Freshman Pre-IB Math:
Student 1: What did the angle say to the other angle?
Teacher: Let’s stop stalling for the test.
Student 1: NO! Lets co-inside!”

“IB Physics Lecture: Force at a distance is “magic”. Fields allow us to abstractly quantify the magic.
Student 1: Magic?
Student 2: We should remember to put that on the test.”

“History teacher trying to explain education during the Russian Revolution:
“The level of education went from here-ish (held hand up high) to about there-ish. (lowers hand)””

“You know the IB has got you when somebody says “skeet” and the first thing you think of is the Olympic Sport…”

“Typical History of the Americas class:
Mr. Young: So you’re saying we’re a democracy because we threw people out of office and we freed a few slaves in the north. That doesn’t really make us a beacon of liberty.
Joe: We have a liberty bell.
Mr. Young: Which is as cracked as your argument!”

“Mr. Young: C’mon, what are the causes for the Cold War! You’re drawing blanks here!

Travis: …We gotta think outside the box?
Joe: …Inside the box?
Mr. Young: “First you got to get a box!”

“Student 1: All the books we read in English class are feminist! God, women are annoying.
Student 2: Dude. We’ve only read like, half of them. And in case you didn’t notice, Lord of the Flies was about a bunch of little boys…NO WOMEN!
Student 1: ….oh yeah.”

“You make me want to throw myself out a window. Open one so I can jump out! …
No, not that one, I can’t fit through that one.”
– IB English teacher to IB student

“In the hallway, 2 students were on the floor and talking about math, while one of them was doing stuff with his laptop, when suddenly a standard level math teacher passed by…
Student 1: Sir, I don’t get what you teach just now…
Teacher: You don’t need to get it, just copy it to your mind and change the number to (x) and you get the answer. Believe me!
Student 2: *was copying data from laptop to USB*: aaah, memory full!!”

“History teacher: So, how would one stop Pontiac‘s rebellion?
Student: Start FORD!”

“Teacher: Come hither!
Student: I’m hithering!”

“Math Teacher: The negation of the negation of the truth, is truth.
Student: HA! Not. Not. Whose there? Truth!”

“When you try to tell an IB teacher a joke…
Scott: If Venetians are from Venice, who’s from Venus?
Mr. Ha (didn’t get it): Women are from Venus. So us guys, we get the planet with a possible atmosphere. You girls get the one with volcanos on it.
Boys: HAH.
*Long discussion ensues, in which girls argue that Mars has a huge volcano on it too… eventually it’s decided that there’d have to be a sperm/egg trade between planets to keep the race alive.*
Mr. Ha: Wait, so women would rule the economy!
Girls: HAH.
Scott: That doesn’t answer my question… if Venetians are from Venice, who’s from Venus? :(“

“Ms Richardson, English HL Teacher: “I don’t understand shorthand. I once had to reply to an email and say ‘Sorry, I don’t know what you just said.’ It was kind of embarrassing actually.”
Matt: “Did you actually write out sorry?”
Ms. Richardson: “How else would I write it?”
Class: “Sry.”
Karlena: “Or Sree.” (ignored) “Or Sr3.”
(Entire class turns their heads to stare at Karlena.)”

“Sex Ed teacher (one-day guest): So can anyone tell me what to do if there’s a hole in the condom?
Non-IB Student: Throw it out and get another.
IB Student: RUN AWAY.”

“Teacher to class: Now, if you are a good IB student, you feel guilty when not doing homeworks and thus you will do them and hand them in on time. If you procrastinate you will go to hell.
Student: Welcome the IB program, we strive to be neutral and not get engaged in such subjects as religion.”

Quotes overheard in various classes:
“I don’t have palm cards, I have arm cards”- Nobby decided to cut his entire speech up and use them for his oral
“Just because you yell it doesn’t mean you’re right!!”- she yelled.
“Is pasta vegetarian?”
“I can’t make my words any..uh..un-smarter than they already are”- as evident by that sentence, Nobby
“I’m spoonerific!”- a discussion about the differences between dislexia and spoonerisms. From Nobby
“The law is you have to cover your various naughty bits”- TOK
“Your fingers are like delicate little children”
“Water shouldn’t be bottled..it should be free..and stuff”- ethics of bottling water

Various quotes from my TOK class discussions:
Dr Davey (TOK teacher, biologist)
“Shan’t, won’t, that’s it, I’m not dividing”- on stem cell research
“What data can you get from ten dead insects?”- on marking biology exams
“No love eminating from this patosaurus at the moment”- after being called a medium sized grey animal
“I am NOT a blur. Not even a medium sized grey blur”- still offended about the grey animal thing
“Pigeons are landing very heavily on people’s heads at the moment”- going off on a tangent, methinks
“The, er, alternative gender”- talking about men and their ‘merits’

“Mrs. M.: Tea Cake’s real name is Vergeable Woods.
Me: Haha Mrs. M., that sounds like a pornstar name.”

Innuendo Or Just Sex Related

“English teacher is looking up a sex scene from the book Like Water For Chocolate: “Oh how ironic, it’s on page 69.”
Half the class: “Whats so special about 69?””

“When you’re in IB the phrase “I got five hours of action last night” means something completely different.”

During a math class
“Student 1: God you’re stupid! How can you not get this quadratic?
Student 2: Suck my parabola!”

“Chemistry SL Teacher: The forces of attraction between the sheets…
Class: Hahahahahaha!
Teacher: OK seriously you’re in IB it isn’t as if you haven’t heard worse in English class.”

“Geography Teacher: So what is it you know about genitalpositions?
Class: Zenithalposition!
Teacher: …anyways! You know exactly what I was talking about.”

“Non IBer: Yeah, dude there was a lot of multiplying and dividing with her last night. If you know what I mean.
*IB student walk up*
IB Student: Oh, nice. So you and your girlfriend were working on your math homework last night.”

“(IN CLASS READING OF DRAMA TEXT)
Student: Also Mr, we need some decorations, such as erotic fruits, etc.
Class: (Utter silence, then a small sound, a growing cackle as students begin to realize that erotic is NOT the right word)”

“IB Calculus teacher: *frustrated* You guys are like monkeys with your bananas in your hands, just poking them randomly to see if you can find a space to stick them! You should be EXPERTS at plugging in by this point; you’ve been doing it for years!
Antonio: Haha, plugging in!
Class: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Teacher: *baffled*”

“In HL Physics. A class of 11 students. The teacher and all the students are male except for me.
Chapter on Quantum and Nuclear Physics.
“… And so you have quarks which make up hadrons. Now, you have many different kinds of hadrons like baryons and mes–”
*genuinely puzzled* “Sir, sir, wait. I don’t understand. What are *looks at notes* hard on–”
Whole class bursts into laughter. “– I MEAN hadrons?”
‘Hard on! He said hard on! AHAHA!’
‘Ahaha, Jerome, you’re an idiot.’
‘Jerome! It’s HADrons!’
‘Hard on… Ahaha’
”What is a hard on’… Ahaha. You don’t know what a hard on is, Jerome?’
Then they start noticing my presence and become uncomfortable.
I think I laughed the hardest.”

“Two IB students are washing a car for charity:
Student 1: Ah, the windows keep getting white marks all over them!
Student 2: Yeah, it’s really streaky.
Student 2 looks at the windows and wipes hand across it. White mark disappears.
Student 1: Oh…
Student 2: See, that works. I’ll just give all the windows a hand job.
Student 1 raises eyebrows and then Student 2 realizes what she said.”

“You start with your tongue at the top and work your way down. Or you bite off the bottom and suck it all out. See? In an ice cream cone, order makes all the difference!”
– Math HL teacher, on combinatorics

It’s That Bad

“IB helps you with stress management. It throws all this stress at you and says, ‘Manage it!’ Then you have your breakdown and you get over it.”

“In IB we don’t believe in miracles… We rely on them!”

“When asked to comment on the IB a student replied: “I’d commit suicide but I don’t have the time.””

“The International Baccalaureate: The only educational program owned, run, and sponsored by Satan himself.”

“IB is like an abusive husband, you know you should leave but you can’t because you have a life together even if that life occasionally beats you, calls you names, and makes you feel like killing yourself.”- Jordan S.

“(IB Student’s Mom is looking at his progress report)
Mom: You have a D in English!
Student: Yeah, I know. It’s okay.
Mom: It is?!
Student: Yeah, everyone else has a D too.”

“Why wasn’t I in on this?!”
– Satan on IB

“IB kids are basically super human. We can run on as little as one meal and four hours of sleep a day for a duration of two weeks.”

“Get online at 4 am…
Find three of my IB friends still online.
One’s away message says “finishing Internal Assessment”
The next, “procrastinating on Internal Assessment”
The last one, “finally done with Internal Assessment!””

“Matt (IB): Yeah, I went to school today, got a shitload of homework, and now I’m home working on five pages of math, two Chem assignments, and 16 pages of random English. And I’m sick. With a fever.
Laura (Honors): Why the heck did you go to school if you were sick?
Matt: Homework comes before health. You fucking die and go to IB hell otherwise.”

“History Teacher: By the end of Exam Paper Three you will not be able to find your hand.”

“If you’re an IB student, you actually have an IB dance to release stress when your IB coordinator comes in and reminds you of the work you kept on procrastinating.”

“IB student: So yesterday was the worst day of my life.
Honors student: What? Oh my goodness! What happened, are you ok?
IB student: Oh yeah, when you are in IB the worst day in your life happens, like everyday.”

“IB First Year: There’s so much work, I’m barely eating!
IB Second Year: Pah, I gave up on food. My current survival is due to copious amounts of coffee and a f*ckload of cigarettes.”

“Student 1: This is so bad, suicide looks good…
Student 2: We don’t have time, the EE is due in a week…
Student 1: Doh!!!”

“So you’re up at 2:00 AM finishing that project and you go to get your fifth cup of coffee. You add the almond flavoring and for a brief second you wish it was cyanide.
The fantasy comes to an abrupt halt when you are alive three seconds later and have to go back to the project.”

“Student: Mr. Kent, my hand hurts from writing all these essays.
Mr. Kent: You think this is bad? By the end of senior year, when you get your diploma and shake my hand, you’ll have a claw!”

“Non-IB: “IBs don’t socialise.”
IB: “Sure we do, but it’s just in the library…””

“You know you’re in IB when you start analyzing newspaper articles!”

When lecturing on Pound’s Cantos and Dante’s Divine Comedy, paradiso terrestra, etc:
“You know what hell on Earth is? Hell on Earth is the IB program for eternity.”

“There comes a time in one’s life where it is deemed necessary to break into school to get back to the lab on a Sunday morning (complete with hangover) and do Group 4. This may also be referred to as IB-induced psychosis, the prognosis is bleak…”

“Student 1: I should have taken IB Environmental Systems
Student 2: Yes, but we were dumb and decided to “challenge ourselves”
Student 1: I believe that was the day we decided to sell our souls.”

“Non-IB student: You’re in IB?
IB Student: Yeah.
Non-IB Student: Do you ever have nervous breakdowns involving all-night study sessions ending in screaming Latin phrases and offering to sell your soul to Satan if he’ll put you out of this misery?
IB Student: …just the one.”

“I want to commit suicide, but I’m too busy doing the IB.”

“If you don’t practice for the oral commentary (English), then you might as well get a big jar of Vaseline, a rubber glove, and screw yourself over.”

“What is IB? Alcatraz, and the subjects are the prisoners.”

“IB Chem HL Teacher: Come on guys, this isn’t rocket science.
Student: It isn’t, but we’re sure as hell getting close to it.”

“New IB Student: How the hell do you survive this place?!
Student in second last IB year: Forget all you know about survival… I live off energy drinks, caffeine and grades… Sleep becomes a myth.”

“If the forward to a book went something like this:
“This book means absolutely nothing and does not intentionally contain any underlying meanings. Any symbolism, imagery, figurative language, etc. is purely coincidental.”
IB English teachers would expect an analysis essay over it from their students.”

“IB Student: Aw man, I have a three hour French class after school today and I have a fever from swimming outside in the rain last night!
Non IB student: Why’d you even go to school!???
IB Student: *looks at other student weirdly* My well being is not my priority, my CAS hours are.”

“At a mixed IB and regular school:
Normal student: Where have you been all week?
IB student: Writing exams.
Normal student: You’re writing exams already! You’re going to be done way sooner than everyone else.
IB student: No. I’m writing IB exams right now. I still have to write the regular exams like everyone else in June.”

“If you think you’re doing the IB, you’re wrong. The IB’s doing you.”

“On the way to school I contemplated driving into a tree instead of facing my chemistry IB teacher” (IB day dreams)

“When I think about the pile of work I have left, I feel like crying…
…until I realize that I can’t even spare the time needed to cry.”

“(Day that a math’s portfolio was due)
IB Student 1: So, how many of hours of sleep did you get last night?
IB Student 2: I haven’t slept in two weeks.”

“IBS – IB Syndrome
Sufferers often suffer from acute stress, paranoia, sleep deprivation and caffeine highs.
– On friend’s Advil bottle”

“About the Senior Send-off Rally:
“We are here today to say good-bye to our bright futures.””

“IB, where three hours is too much sleep.”

“I had a nightmare last night.
I dreamt I was in IB.”

“School shooter? I’m too fucking busy to be a school shooter!”

“Only thirty people skipped that bio test; that’s not even half!”
– IB Student, without the slightest hint of sarcasm

We’re Going Crazy

Found on a Facebook wall:
“I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN WITH THE HISTORY STUDYING OMG. Last night I studied so much that I dreamed I was married to Stalin but then he killed me in the gulag!!!”

“What we don’t realize is, this is all just a huge scientific study to find out how much stress kids can be put under before they haul off and kill themselves. The idea is that they give students amounts of work that are impossible to achieve, and periodically add more and more work during times when key projects are due. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of it. I quit.”
– Student to entire class

“The realization of actually being in IB hit me when I decided not to wear my seatbelt in the car because I would prefer to go to the hospital rather than go to school.”

“NO, I can’t wake up yet, I don’t have a conclusion.
(A thought somebody had just before waking up, didn’t have a conclusion in whatever dream they were having).”

“Student gets up to leave halfway through a lesson.
Teacher: Where are you going?
Student: Slowly insane.”

“Alex: YESMAMNGF sda
Carson: … What?
Alex: o my god
Alex: i seriously forgot what i was so happy about.”

“Only in the IB can you be thinking so hard about something that you get into an argument with yourself about it, lose the argument and then refuse to talk to yourself for days.”

“Ever have those IB hell-days where you ask the voices in your head what’s wrong with you, and they don’t know either?”

“IB Coordinator: Remember, you have an IB life and a normal life.
Student: Normal life? What’s that?”

You Won’t Get It

“Student: Hey I came up with a joke! Want to hear it?
Physics teacher: Okay, sure
Student: Okay, what happens when you get stabbed by 1 over T?
Physics teacher: You calculate the frequency of how much you get stabbed?
Student: No, it “hertz”.
*class laughs*”

“It’s only 6 tests, how hard can it be to take 6 tests?”
– An IB student’s little sister, age 9

“Math Teacher: Seriously guys, in the long run, what’s the difference between a 93 and a 95?
IB student: (in a reverent tone) Your future.”

“Newly hired ITGS Teacher: “What’s an internal assessment?””

“You know you’re in IB when you’d rather lose an arm then a math’s portfolio”

“An IB student’s AIM away message:
“You know what this feels like? It’s like it’s September 1939 and I’m Britain and he’s Germany. I’m SO done with appeasement here.””

“Anya: Hey, Oliver, can I borrow your math portfolio?
Oliver: I’d rather lend you my firstborn child.”

“IB student: I got screeweedd last night.
*Non-IB student joins conversation*
Non-IB student: Niiiceee, by who?
*silence among the IBers*
IB student: Who? Ahahahahahhahaha.”

“HL Biology Teacher: “As we all know, you IB kids are at least 1 standard deviation from the norm.””

“Math Teacher: What do you get when you mix a mosquito and a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can’t mix a vector and a scalar.”

“Teacher: [Noticing that half the class isn’t there] What’s due tomorrow?
Class, in unison: Bio/Chem IA.
Teacher: Oh. ‘Kay. [continues with lesson]”

“Teacher: All right lets do a reading assignment for extra credit.
Student: Can we take a quiz instead?”

“Pre IB student: SO SO SO, is IB fun?
IB student: um, hmm, mhmm, eh. *grimaces*”

“Non IB student: DBQ….a barbeque for people with D’s?
IB student: NO, no, no. It’s an essay or personal written source where we gather information from a specific historic document, photograph, piece of art, or book. You then take every little bit and detail and carefully analyze it until you can’t go any further in depth. You then present in a carefully written essay that demonstrates your understanding and depiction of the document or source.
Non-IB student: What the fuck are you on?”

“Pre IB student: I’m in grade 8, but I’m thinking of going into grade 10 next year so I can start IB.
IB students: **SHOCK** puhahahahhahaha”

“IB Visual Arts students walking about workbooks:
Student 1: The quality of my workbook is like a y= cosx+1 graph
Student 1: It’s good then bad then good then okay then good then bad then good
Student 1: First we’re kinda excited and enthusiastic that we have to do workbook pages, and then we learn we have to do ten every. Single. Week. And that’s when I hit cos of pi.
Student 2: Hahahhaa, I’m at 5pi/2, but I hope to get to 7pi/2”

“ITGS Teacher: No problem, no project, no points!”

The IB Mind

“Teacher to students: Now write your name on this notecard.
Student 1: OK
Student 2: This is easy!
IB Teacher to IB students: Wow write your name on this notecard.
IB Student 1: How big?
IB Student 2: Which corner?
IB Student 3: Cursive or print?
IB Student 4: Do we need to put our whole middle name or just our middle initial?
IB Student 5: What if we don’t have a middle name?
IB Student 6: Is pencil okay?
IB Student 7: Do you want it on the side with lines or the blank side?
And we were wondering why IB is so hard.”

“Student 1: Hey! I’ve got a brilliant EE topic!
Student 2: Ah-uhm…
Student 1: It will be: Oedipus, the original motherfucker…
Student 2: …”

“IB English student: *Looking at a coke bottle* It’s amazing what paradoxes exist in this soft drink container. It appears phallic in shape, thereby appealing to a consumer’s primal desire for unmasked masculinity, yet its function as a receptacle allows us to construe it as a uterine symbol, belying our innate fascination with the feminine form.
Non IB English Student: Dude, I just buy it ‘cos of the hot chicks in those TV ads.”

“Chem HL Student: Got some delta-9-tetra hydrocannabinol?
Guy 1: (raises his eyebrows) wtf???
Other Chem HL Student: (closes his eyes)… Oh give him what you’re smoking…
Guy 1: It’s called hashish you idiot.”

“IB student: …the presentation is absolutely horrific. No eye contact and the absolute wrong tone of voice. At one look you would think she is targeting teenagers but if you look a bit deeper you can see that… Therefore we can conclude that…
Non IB Student: Dude, you just analyzed a 30 second TV advertisement in 2 minutes. What kinda school do you go to?”

“Student: Hey, did you see this? In his soliloquy Hamlet goes from starting words with T’s to W’s to T’s again and it’s almost like a heartbeat!
English teacher: That’s the point where even English nerds will say, “You might be reading too much into this…””

“Student 1: The answer obviously equals to 1327. Then if you need to multiply it by 7.794 to get the answer to b. the answer should be around 8000-9000
Student 2: Yes…okay….but I asked for your phone number.”

“Bethany: I subconsciously began to annotate my newspaper at home because it didn’t feel right to read something without making my own mark on the paper.”

“After starting IB whenever you talk about something out of school it still somehow relates back to IB…”

“You know you’re in IB when you can see individual air molecules vibrating.”

“You know you’ve had enough of IB English when you express your heartbreak by giving its parallel situation in A Yellow Raft in Blue Water.”

The Killers

“When an IB Coordinator says “Jump!” an IB freshmen asks “How high?”
Two years later the IB Coordinator says “Jump!” and the IB Junior asks “Where’s the nearest cliff?””

“(IB Coordinator has just had a baby, and brought her to school).
Student 1: (to baby) Are you going to be in IB when you’re all grown up?
IB Coordinator: Say, ‘Dear God, no.'”

“During a break in the Biology mock exam:
IB Student 1: What’s evolution?
IB Student 2: It’s when we finish this exam and half of us drop dead so that only the people who are smart enough move on to the next mock.”

“I used to have a life. Then I started cheating on it with IB, and me and life got a divorce.”

“Teacher: You guys are data bulimics. You just swallow it and then spew it out for the test. It’s disgusting.”

“Rising IB junior: So, can you give me any advice about IB English?
IB Senior: When in doubt, the answer is ‘sexual repression’.”

“Mr. Oliver: I want everyone to give me an example of when you know a fact is true, but don’t believe it.
Jany: I know I’m smart, but I don’t believe it.”

“Teacher: Guys, be quiet. The seniors are giving orals in the closet.
Class: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Passionate teachers treat their lessons like sex. They self indulge in deep interpretations, ideas that flow one onto another, and use excessively the words “MORE! MORE!!””

When questioned on the matter, the young IB inquisitively replied,
“Social life? What is a social life?”
and postulated on the matter for the rest of the school year.

“You shall not pass!”
-Gandalf on IB

“A recent study showed that Students enrolled in IB History Performed better in P.E. Tests involving back strength than non IB History students. When questioned, Each IB History student pulled a 1200 page history book out of their backpacks and placed it on the desk in front of them. Five desks collapsed over the course of the eight interviews.”

“*intense discussion in chemistry class*
Student to Teacher: What’s the formula for cocaine?
*3 mins later, with the whole white board covered in crazy leters and numbers*
Teacher: …
Class: o.0”

“String CompSciDossier = Lame;
if (Dossier = “completeBeforeItsDueOnFriday”)
{
System.out.println(“miracle”)
}
for (int today = 1, today <= Friday, today++)
{
Sleep = 0;
}”

“Psychology Teacher: You see, the Maslow’s pyramid of necessities explains that one cannot advance to self actualization unless you have completed the previous ones, like food, water, security, and sleep.
Student: WHAT ABOUT IB!?
Student 2: I haven’t had a decent meal since September, I’m too busy studying or in the library.
Student 3: Water!? Water? I’ve replaced all beverages to caffeinated ones!
Student 4: Security! I’ve had three nervous breakdowns this week!
Class: AND SLEEP!??!?”

“Before starting your exams, remember this. You are the baby seal and your marker is the Canadian with a big stick with a hook on the end of it.”

“Honors Student: So, what did you do for your birthday?
IB Student: A chemistry formal lab write-up.
Honors Student: Well, did you do anything fun?
IB Student: Yes, I managed to get to bed before midnight. It was wonderful.”

“IB Chemistry Teacher: Which IB science are you planning on taking?
Student: Bio.
IB Chemistry Teacher: Good choice. My class is going to be HELL next year.”

I just wasted a lot of my time. Oh well. Off to BS an interview!

---