Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the stretched.tight category.
Dodged a bullet by getting punched
My close, really really close friend and I just spent a whole hour, maybe even up to one and half, two, explaining a situation with our previous crush/thing/not really to another friend. This guy, basically, screwed around with our feelings and moved on to wreak more havoc around him.
It took 45 minutes to get past the first recap of this guy, the main explanation of what the hell is going on. In this point, the consternation, anger, bewilderment and part desperation shone out through as the friend we relived what had gone in one year for this one, single, infuriating boy. And I realized, after an hour or so of ranting and listening and reviewing all the things he has done to, not one, not two, but four girls (no wait, five, and maybe soon a sixth) in the space of a single year…
He hasn’t physically abused or tortured or insulted anybody, but he basically pulled all of us into this swirling vortex of his indecisive “I like you” “oh wait I have issues” “but no I want you” “But I want your friend” “I want your other friend” “I want your other other friend”.
And what I just wrote does not explain at all, or give justice to the grand scheme of how much havoc we let him wreak on our lives. But I realized.
This guy is a freaking psychopath. Holy -.
Our friend,w ho was listening, literally hit his head against the couch,g roaned, writhed, and just looked at us dazed throughout the narrative, before bursting into so many exclamations of confusion and general disbelief that people act like that.
I dodged a bullet by effectively taking the equivalent of a punch. Not pleasant at all, but far safer. I got lucky and only minor heart break/resentment.
And I had to get this out.
Anxiety Overload
I haven’t really told people, but I’m currently having some family problems – or well, the family is having problems. Yesterday, Sunday, was pretty much the huge gunk mess up, but I really don’t want to talk about it.
Today, after fighting with my brother at around 5 pm, I began to feel pain in my chest, where my heart is. At first I tried to ignore it, but after a while I started getting worried and googled the symptoms for a heart attack. I KNOW I am too young to have a heart attack, but if you feel pain right hwere your heart is… well, you get scared. I got scared enough to call my mom while I was walking my dog, and she sent me back home, where I waited for my dad.
He called a while before, as sweet as he can be, the moments when I love him most, but since before we had been so off that just added more pain. When he arrived and started calming me down, I did start feeling better, and told him that it had started hurting after my fight with my brother (when he hit me in the head). This led to him calling my brother back and telling him to never touch me again… which made it hurt more. Based on that, he reached the conclusion that I had been having an anxiety attack based on all the drama that we’d just been going through. He calmed me down, gave me yummy stuff to eat, and I started talking to him about webcomics.
I’m better, my chest stopped hurting, although the left side of my neck really, really hurts.
So I’m going to go distract myself. Draw. Do something. Calm down.
Yeah.
The pain will go away.
I Can Dream Of Better Representation in Fantasy
Oh please do. I’d make one female character with the muscles I can only dream of.
Is it too much to ask? When I played WoW, I would wince constantly from the female version of some clothes. Not to mention my then-friend’s Succubus, especially considering how he always made his warlock summon her so I would be irritated.
I can still hear her horrible lines and fawning “seductive” tone. And the objectification of her body…
And there wasn’t even an Incubus for female Warlocks. D <
I’m not a huge gamer, but I really love MPORGS, when I find the time for them. I love fantasy stories, epic journeys, quests (that aren’t too repetitive and annoying), and I love the interaction you can sometimes find in these games. But honestly? Not a very safe or welcoming place for women or girl gamers.
So at least this is a step in the right direction.
Note: I’m too depressed to write about anything else. Sorry about disappearing, but massive personal upheaval in the family area, and honestly, I just don’t want to talk about it.
I just can’t wait to get away to college.
And a month ago, I couldn’t imagine wanting to leave my family, despite still doing Finacial Aid forms.
I Gave Up – Basketball And My Time
I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. I’m extremely busy. I shouldn’t be here even, right now, but I guess I can take some time from my Genetics questions.
Basically, the past few weeks have been straight from IB Hell, with me ending so sick from exhaustion that on Friday I couldn’t even lift my head off my pillow without feeling a great wave of nausea. I literally couldn’t get out of bed. Missed school too. = /
And between all that mayhem that is the first semester of IB Senior year, what with the Internal Assessments, College Applications and Essays, the Extended Essay, Activities (CAS is such a prick; prickslap!), and just the average (average, for whom?) IB schoolwork load… let’s just say I am overloaded.
And Basketball season just started.
I’m going to be very honest. I love Basketball. I love playing. I’ve been playing since my eight grade, and always managed to make it to the team. Unfortunately, last year, because of the Glass Shard Incident, I wasn’t able to travel with the team. Well, I should have, because I healed in time to join quite a few practices, but the coach told me straight off when I went to see her that since I hadn’t gone to the practices, I couldn’t go. Uh. Yeah. Person with crutches at practice. Great. Such a good management of my time right? Nevermind my homework… I got nuttin better to do than hang around there uselessly.
But I can’t join Basketball this year.
It frustrates me so much, but I was close to breaking down yesterday, and ended up sobbing some time to my mother later in the day, and I know I can’t afford it. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the energy. Nevermind that this is my last year, or that my last year got messed up, or that its the one sport I really want to do. I can’t.
And I feel really bad about it myself, because in things like these, I never give up. Ever. It feels… like I’m letting myself down. My team down. My body down. I’ve been slugging it these past few years to be able to do Basketball apart from my studies. I’d have done Pilates or Yoga otherwise, and avoided a lot of injury (broken fingers, stretched tendons, strained wrists, scratches, bruises, scrapes…) like that. But I had dedicated myself to it, and if there is one thing I have ever prided myself in, it is my dedication, to the point that I would not sleep just to make a project as perfect as I could (Well, that was also partly because of procrastination, but you know my mindset).
And now I gave up.
It goes against my grain.
It’s not like Basketball is a very big part of my identity. It’s just that the dedication and determination that I put into it, is something that I have always seen as important to my identity.
I know I’m doing the right thing, but another part of me is screaming that I’m a sucky idiot and have to play, because I had promised to myself I would.
I’m going back to Genetics.
Overloading (Recap)
The last two weeks were almost like a new version of slow torture of the brain.
But let me talk first about my happy moments at Kim’s bday! We went to eat Chifa, after which we went to Barranco (a huge group of us piled into two taxis), wandered around trying to find a good club, wandered around some more, wandered AGAIN, entered a place, had a drink, danced (It is sad to say that Kim and I were the best dancers), met Marite, who took us to ANOTHER place, more dancing. Then, suddenly, some dude with a microphone pulls me over with four other girls, and puts us in a dance contest.
Thank Goodness I lost. Those who moved on to the next round had to POLE DANCE.
Anyways, other than that, hilarious. Just keep in mind that if you ever get pulled like that in Lima, especially in Rustica at Barranco at night, DON’T!
Hm… the week started, and so much work work work work gah stress stress stress no sleep what am I doing, omg-I-haven’t-done-my-college-searches-and-I-need-to-study-for-the-SAT.
Then, I survived and we had PGC Activity day, but that deserves a whole post on its own.
And ICC week, which also deserves a post of its own.
On the other hand, tomorrow is my birthday! I turn 17!!! YAAAAAY
Obligatory update finished. I have to go do homework now. Chao.
Coca Cola To Ease My Ills
Ah, the sharp smell of a glass when you are sick and need to stay awake.
I have a pounding headache, and after finishing the paragraph about female talent in Marvel in my Extended Essay I just felt so bad I could have toppled. I hate being sick. I’m tried to being physically run through the mill. First the damn surgery, then losing sleep and time to PGC and the leadership retreats… and I had to go and catch my brother’s cold. Oh well. I can’t afford to not go tommorrow – I have to hand in that thrice damnéd (yes, I accented the -e on purpose to be like Shakespeare) commentary on which I am still stuck on, and it will be my first PGC meeting. Perhaps I will collapse after that meeting, and I only halfway jest. On top of that, I have my Biology Photosynthesis lab (I need to review the Light-Independent Reaction, but otherwise I’m perfect to go), but otherwise, the day will not hold any more responsabilities.
Hmm, I have 2,495 words so far in my essay, (counting the headings, which probably shouldn’t be counted), and I have to write a total of about 3,000. The bad part is that my next post is on Marvel Comic’s history, and I don’t really know it. Perhaps I should skip it and go on to the visual analysis. I’m not sure, but I’ll go see if I can make anything out of the book “Our Gods Wear Spandex” that my dad bought for me. From what I’ve read, it all seems to say that comic superheroes are expressions of religious beliefs or contain elements, including some paganism and some occult cults. I stopped reading a while after he bought it for me (it was boring).
After this I still going to have to write a minimum of 700 words for my English Commentary. But first, I will get off the computer and do my outline.
Graaah my throat hurts. *Drinks coca cola to stay awake* Well, today was also pretty interesting in that I ended going to the Club Fair and representing Eco Club with Minghee. Well, she had to switch often because she is the President of KCC, but it was fine. As it is, Ethan and Mikael approached me. Ethan just because he wants to join Eco Club (A really pleasant surprise! YAY! Especially since he doesn’t believe in Global Warming, but at least he still cares about the environment.), and Mikael more of “I-need-hours”. I’m shocked; he hasn’t done any action hours at all so far! They could stop him from graduating if he doesn’t finish his hours! (Which reminds me I need to fill in my proposals.) Well, I told him he could get service from the Eco Garden, and when he asked how it worked I nearly panicked, as we are still developing it. But I told him the basic “it’s still under work but…” starting line and came up with the idea of shifts after school or in weekends working on the garden to gain service. So it went pretty well.
I’m going back to my extended essay. Perhaps three paragraphs are enough to reach the lofty goal of 3000 words my supervisor wants right now. For tomorrow.
Partially Freed
SO!
I have had a nice weekend so far, gotten free from the great majority of my homeworks, hence, the partial freedom. Let us see what I have left.
1- Art
- Presentation report (FORGOT TO DO THIS OMFG)
2- English
- Read/log 3.3 in Othello for Monday
3- ITGS
- Read Gift of Fire Chap. 3, and write responses
- Vocabulary Quiz on-D Terms
- Read Chapter 9 Computer Confluence
- PROJECT THINGY OMIGASH THINKTHINK (This one is stressing me out…)
4- Fit for Life
- Get a journal
5- Spanish
- Read till page 208 in Un Mundo para Julius
- Read the comparison packet and make the outline
6- Math
- Exercises 15F (I LOST THEM AND HAVE TO REDO THEM GRAAAAAAARGH)
- Exercises 15G (MSN help for these…)
7- Biology
- Lab report due Thursday 28
- Photosynthesis Exam
So, a lot less then before.
I’ve had an overall nice weekend, actually. I went to Marite’s birthday thing this Friday, which was nice. The unfortunate part was when Insun and I got accosted by two creepy guys. I got better at saying “no” but I still need to work on it. I had to go back and get Insun though, she had this -_- face all the time and it was like “I shouldn’t leave her…” so I was fine in the end. Grgggg creepy guys. At some point, as we were dancing, the guy started grunting. That was when I stepped away and decided that enough was enough. Greh. Anyways.
Yesterday I slept till one, then spent the rest of the time reading Eldest by Christopher Paolini. Rereading, since I want the third book to come out. It was my relaxation day. The book is not the best, but I like fantasy fiction, so get on with the next book Paolini! (I also admire him… this story is from when he was 15 years old, and that is like.. and unfulfilled dream of mine, to publish one of MY stories, a fantasy magic one on top of it.) Then, at around 6, I sat down to start my homework, only to get invited by Chris M to go out with him and some friends around Barranco. I did go, and I had fun. Getting out after so much hell is nice =w= We ended going to this bar concert for free. It wasn’t very good though, but it was nice to get in. XD I also played Guitar Hero for the first time. It actually is pretty fun, jajaja.
Ahhh, I’m home now, and I need to start doing my homework. Also, my parents are going to have a college talk with me today, and I am NOT looking forwards to it. They were nice and di a college search for me of good Bio colleges… but… they viewed art as secondary…
I don’t know. I never doubted myself in studying art, viewed really only as a matter of what I felt like, until my mom told me she doubted me doing well in art. That was a really big blow.
Now… it’s almost like I’m just doing Bio because my parents expect me to do it. They are wonderful, they make amazing choices, and I love them, but…
I feel depressed about the direction this is going…
And I feel depressed because my parents don’t believe I should do art…
I’m just going to do English now…
Leadership Is Trying To Kill Me!
Now we know the truth in the words that with power come great responsibility. The thing is that with me, responsibility = no sleep + too much work —-> stress
I am SO glad that we don’t have more retreats. Maybe now I can get a routine out of my life and start going to sleep. I first need to work off the backlog I have, because it is KILLING me! I have like 13 homeworks! Ok, like three of them are of the quiz/test kind, but yes. The most important for me is to finish my art free topic. I don’t see it happening, but the further along I get… hopefully the nicer Ms. Sarria will be. I finally did my presentation on la Escuela Academica today, which was for like, two weeks ago, but between my surgery, the retreats, and Ms. Sarria herself having to go to the hospital for a family member, I hadn’t presented. Whew! That is out of the way now!
Here is my list of HWs:
1- Art
- Free topic work due tommorow/Thursday
- Research Workbook due Thursday
- Presentation report (FORGOT TO DO THIS OMFG)
2- English
- Read/log 3.3 in Othello for Monday (I did the three other homeworks today in my Fit for Life class since I can’t swim. Yay! DONE)
3- ITGS
- Read Gift of Fire Chap. 3, and write responses
- Vocabulary Quiz on -C terms on Friday
- Read Chapter 9 Computer Confluence
- PROJECT THINGY OMIGASH THINKTHINK
4- Fit for Life
- Exam this Thursday/Friday on swimming survival stuff
5- Spanish
- Read till page 208 in Un Mundo para Julius
- Read the comparison packet (I HATE COMPARISONS) and scribble/note/underline stuff
6- Math
- No clue. I’ll ask her for the work tommorrow in class
7- Biology
- Photosynthesis Assignment for Friday 22
- Lab report due Thursday 28
- Photosynthesis Exam
… K, I’ll do the art free topic first.
Aaaaaaaaah. I’m still so… frustrated over the Eight Grade retreat. It was… agh… I feel I failed. Like, I wasn’t good enough to get the kids to work or something. But geeze, they were so mean to each other! That was the thing that really bugged me, how vindictive and insulting they were to their own classmates, all the time. I can stand the “I’m too cool to care” guys and the hyperactive kids, even the cheating kid was ok. But how mean they were to each other? No wonder they didn’t do well! No teamwork! Because I couldn’t run for the last activity, where everybody has to run past a swinging jump rope (obviously not all of us could go through at once…) I saw the huge mess it was. They never managed it. You know how quickly the High School leadership group did it? In like four tries. (The supervisors were stumped. One said “You aren’t supposed to do it so quickly!”) Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I hope the ninth graders are better. I hope I get Cody. I’ll find out tomorrow in the PGC meeting. *crosses fingers* At least I think we’ll find out.
As it is, not all of it was bad. I didn’t mind when a few of us stood up in front to talk to them of “the journey of high school” according to the yeti. I felt guilty when he said it like that, because I don’t have a very good memory. I’ve noticed everything blurs far more easily for me than it does to others, and my brother has that a bit too. I think it’s my way of surviving moving around so much.
Anyways, we talked about getting into new activities, finding out what you liked, the independence that comes with HS, getting yourself organized, and not being afraid to make mistakes. Then we seperated into small groups to talk to them more closely. I talked to a nice kid in my group who wanted to know about art (he likes game design, so I told him to get into ITGS and to start making projects and practicing from.. NOW!) He told me he is getting a team to make a game design, and I told him he was on the right path. Chris and Diego talked about music, and we all learned about Diego’s decisions regarding College. I’m impressed. He really is a Senior. I’m not. I’m not ready for the independence, the responsibility, the possibility of my fuck ups. But it was nice talking to him. It was nice to feel like I might be able to take decisions like that soon, and be mature enough.
Enough moping about that. I need to set my ass off in a work path now.
I’m also avoiding talking about college. At least I admit it.
Chao
Pre Op Jitters
I’m feeling distinctly worried and tense over my operation. Not so much the actual operation, though I am quite nervous about it, but partly because of the stress my parents and I have been going through with the freakin exams and the feeling that they are charging us more. Oh, and the fact that the secretary hasn’t given us the cost of the surgery which she should have given us three days ago. I see no reason- nor do my parents -to have a cardiograph taken for an ambulatory operation, though we would understand if it is a standard procedure (albeit a procedure that seems to be set in place to get more money). The problem is that they keep stringing us along and telling me to get more exams and to go see this doctor for the “riesgo qirurgico” and telling us “oh no, I’m sorry I don’t know how much it costs” and you know, not being exactly professional. This is something they should have told us the day it was decided I needed an operation- the cardiograph, the x-ray. Yes, she mentioned tests, but never gave the lists, or pre-operation instructions. They didn’t even tell my mom that apparently I shouldn’t eat for eight hours before the operation because the anaestesia could give me nausea and that’s problematic in an operation. Thank (Something) that my mom knew this already and checked, but I can’t help but keep worrying and worrying even as my parents talk and bicker in the car about being pulled along like idiots around the hospital, which I’ve been stuck in for three days now. And it doesn´t help that it was this clinic, albeit in a different location (the Molina branch), that failed to check my wound properly and left me with four glass shards in my foot.
Aggravating my nerves even more is that in between listening very very quietly and tensely to my parents discuss this in the car on the way back, my dad gets pissed at the drivers, as Limean driving is quite frankly horrible, aggressive, discourteous, and just creates far more problems and traffic, not to mention accidents. However, this time, instead of just ranting, one particular van that nearly crashes us by shoving itself in front of us, prompts my dad to hit the accelerator into a burst of speed, maneuvers us around said van, and then brakes furiously before it, as my mom said “AY FIYE!” and I just moaned “No no no” and tried not to think “if he makes a mistake we crash, if we make a mistake we crash.” As it is, we badly scared the driver, but I wish my dad wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t do this usually, or at least not anymore, but the possibility remains due to his short temper. And it’s just not going to help anybody.
To add to more tension, after school, when I got dropped of by the taxi near my mom’s office, I walked two blocks to it because the road is in construction, unfortunately in my school skirt. In the space of two blocks, I got harrassed by three guys muttering lowly at me as I tried to stride past stony faced, even as they muttered “estas rica, chiquita” or “hola niñita” and all I could think was that I wanted to scream at them to shut the fuck up, and feeling very very tense because I was carrying a heavy backpack and couldn’t run very quickly away should they want to do something. Worse, you’d think a cop would help you should you want protection, right? One of the men that started talking to me like that, you freaking lewd man, was being helped by a cop to freaking push a motorcycle at the sidewalk. My instinct was to turn around and flick him off, bare my teeth and then scream, but I didn’t. Joy. Was I asking for it for wearing a skirt? Fuck no. I wear the skirt to school right now because the pants I have right now are fucking useless, and I need to buy a new one.
I feel really bad for all the trouble my parents are going through for my operation, and I am mostly pissed at the clinic. It’s supposed to be one of the best. Meh, I apparently have to wear a long skirt or something tommorow to the clinic, because pants would rub against the bandage and might loosen it.
Oh yeah, they also moved the operation from 5 pm to 2 pm, and only because my mom checked we found out. So I’ll go to school until around 12, and then go to the clinic, perhaps change before I leave.
Fucking hell, look at what a piece of broken glass in a party did to me.
Why I Hate Group Work
Often, in school, you get assigned to groups to do an assignment. I hate that, because you get graded on the whole group’s performance, and while you might have done your part well, the others might not. One forgot, or one didn’t do the work, or they just didn’t feel like it, or they just plain really suck (mostly by not trying). Unfortunately, you get dragged down too, so you fall with them and you get a low grade.
Sadly, for me, I got landed with my brother on taking care of our dog.
Most of the fights we’ve had are over who’s turn it is to walk the dog. Otherwise, we remind each other for food and water, though it isn’t fool proof. My dad is the one who gets pissed when stuff doesn’t happen. He’s right, but like in all in life, he overreacts.
Because of my idiotic brother, we get into a lot of trouble. He almost never takes the dog out, but he makes the fuss over who is taking him out, he always claims that I’m shirking my responsibility, and he is always lying, blatantly, so fucking blatantly it makes me want to tear his face off. And all of us know. He knows we know. But he has this delusion that if he keeps lying, we’ll believe him, and his quiet sister will do everything for him. It doesn’t help that he tries to order me around the house. Fucker. Tard. Prick.
Yesterday, despite me bugging him to hell, he didn’t take Pistacho for his walk, even though he said he would. He then lies to my parents that he did take him out. When today I refuse to take Pistacho out because, for God’s sake, he didn’t take it out, it hasn’t passed to my turn, he insists that “the turn is the turn” and no getting out. Hypocrite. Then why didn’t you take your turn? Stop manipulating the situation to get away with it. Stop it. My dad got pissed, majorly, and shouted at my brother to walk the dog, and has proceeded to spend the rest of the evening insulting us in plural, and talking about giving Pistacho away.
Now, apart from being majorly ticked off that I’m also being referred to in his complaining diatribe of how useless we are, especially since I do take the most responsibility, almost all the time (honestly, if you average it out, my brother will probably do max 2 nights out of 7 for the walk, where I spend most of our time giving him food and water and washing his plates), what really blew me off is that thanks to my idiot brother, I might lose Pistacho.
Fuck that. From now on, I take full responsibility of MY dog, every single fucking day (nevermind that I have enough to worry about in school, work, and college), and he better not fucking get near Pistacho. He’s lost the rights. I’m not going to run the risk of losing him because my brother is a fucking lazy manipulative prick with an egoistical mind and an entitlement obsession.
Lemon Water 